Part of Find the Balance, a series on the tensions every leader lives with: why we lean one way, what drives the lean, and one small move.

A leader I worked with was brilliant with people. Everyone said so. Her team loved her; she knew their families, remembered their milestones and made time when it mattered. And yet, when I asked her team what they wished she’d do differently, the answer was almost unanimous: “We wish she’d just tell us when something’s not good enough.”

The paradox

Be close to your people, and be clear with them. Most leadership advice tells you to build strong relationships, and you should, because trust is what earns you the right to lead and closeness makes room for the conversations that matter. But closeness and clarity aren’t opposites, and they don’t trade off against each other. The best relationships carry the hardest truths. The trouble starts when one is used in place of the other.

Too little, too much

On one side is Supporting: backing people, investing in them and caring how they are. Done too little, it comes across as detached. Done too much, it turns into protecting people from things they need to hear. The message gets softened, the conversation gets put off, and there’s always a reason why now isn’t quite the right time.

On the other side is Challenging: testing ideas, holding the standard and saying what isn’t working. Done too little, nothing ever quite gets named. Done too much, it lands as combative, and people comply without committing. Neither side is the problem. Getting stuck on one is.

What each side invites

The part that’s easy to miss is that your behaviour becomes the conditions for everyone around you. Warmth on its own tends to invite warmth back. People learn that this relationship is for support rather than hard truths, so they stop bringing you theirs. Clarity on its own tends to invite caution: people become careful and compliant, and tell you what they think is safe to say. Either way, the honest conversation stops travelling, and you’ve shaped the space without meaning to.

Within: why you lean

We rarely lean at random. Usually a belief makes one side feel safer. If part of you believes people will like you less if you say the hard thing, closeness becomes somewhere to hide. If part of you believes that getting close will cloud your judgement, distance becomes the safe default. Neither belief is foolish, and each was probably useful somewhere along the way. But each tells you a first story about what will happen if you move, and that story is rarely tested.

Around: what the space rewards

The lean isn’t only personal. Some workplaces prize harmony, so being agreeable is rewarded and candour is quietly punished. Others prize toughness, so warmth reads as weakness. It’s also worth knowing that psychological safety is often mistaken for comfort. Amy Edmondson’s research describes it as a shared belief that it’s safe to take interpersonal risks, such as speaking up, disagreeing and admitting mistakes. It is what makes honest conversation possible, and a team that is merely comfortable may not have it at all. So before you decide you’re too soft or too blunt, look at what your workplace rewards. Some of your lean may be a sensible response to the conditions you’re in.

They move

The answer isn’t to settle in the middle. Research on the “too much of a good thing” effect finds that most helpful behaviours have a tipping point, and that where it sits depends on the situation. The best leaders don’t find a midpoint and stay there. They move: they lean in to build trust, and then they use that trust to say the hard thing. That’s the distinction that matters. Protecting the relationship keeps it comfortable, and nothing changes. Using the relationship means trusting it enough to put something real through it. One feels kind; the other is kind.

The move

Try a little more of the opposite. Not a swing to the other side, just one small step. If you lean towards closeness, pick one conversation you’ve been softening and have the clear version this week, starting from the relationship: “I’m telling you this because I think you can do it.” If you lean towards clarity, begin your next difficult conversation with a genuine question about how the person is going, and listen properly to the answer.

And a question to sit with. Think of someone who needs a conversation you haven’t had yet. Is the relationship strong enough to carry it? And if you asked them which way you lean, what would they say?

Find the Balance is one of Square Peg’s three practices, alongside Change the Story and Shape the Conditions.

References

• Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383. https://doi.org/10.2307/2666999
• Pierce, J. R., & Aguinis, H. (2013). The too-much-of-a-good-thing effect in management. Journal of Management, 39(2), 313–338. https://doi.org/10.1177/0149206311410060